A Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal

For Preventing Mass Shootings and Victims Thereof From Being a Burden to Their Parents and Country and For Making Them Beneficial to Incels.

by Heather McNamara

In these dark times, I think we can all agree that it is a modern tragedy to see so many straight American men who are unable to find women who will satisfy and settle down with them. These involuntarily celibate men or “incels” tragically do not possess the necessary skills and strength to attract women. Their frustration and aggression, often contributors to their pitiable situations, go unfocused and unchecked until finally they erupt, acquire AR-15s, and unload into classrooms, churches, and other crowds. It’s a senseless waste of energy and life.

In past generations, endless wars abroad would have required a steady influx of able-bodied men, ready to fight bloody on the front lines and die, but with the invention of drones and the relatively recent acceptance of women into all branches of the military, war is no longer an effective instrument for the mass culling of the strongest and most courageous sons of the United States. These men are now as they say “on the market,” freed from the drafts of the past to pursue educations, careers, and partnership with women. Lesser men who once would have been paired up with women who bemoaned their lack of options are now relegated to dark, sad corners of the internet where they craft theories about how they imagine women might behave.

But please, dear reader, rest assured that my proposal will help not only the incels, but everyone. Schools around the country are overwhelmed attempting to assure worried parents that their children will be safe in the next attack. Precious hours of education and teacher productivity are lost to practicing active shooter drills while school administrators attend meeting after meeting to draft assurances that security is under control.

As a long time scholar of gender dynamics, having given this a lot of thought and weighed the opinions of possibly the entire esteemed NYTimes Op-Ed department, I can assure you that my proposal is the only sure way to end the mayhem. Any alternative would only serve as a temporary band-aid or a haphazard deterrent, sure to fail. Moreover, I urge the reader to enact my proposal at their earliest possible chance. After all, as we enter the sixth month of 2018, we are already on our 143rd mass shooting of the year. 212 otherwise productive citizens have gone to waste thanks to the  furious men whose celibacy-related anger had no other outlet short of mass murder following the acquisition of readily available high powered weapons.

It is true that a number of intelligent incels with entrepreneurial spirits and overfull bank accounts have worked on developing sex dolls and robots to satisfy these men’s desires. While their efforts are commendable, I submit that sex robots are not currently a viable solution to our problems as they are and probably always will be more expensive than semi-automatic weapons.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have it on good authority from an anonymous source inside the Trump Administration that a relationship with a taxidermied human corpse is the best, absolute most incredible bigly relationship you’ve ever had. Unlike sex robots, a taxidermied human corpse is as unique, soft, and realistic looking as a live human woman. Sexual intercourse, therefore, is comparable in feel to intercourse with a live human woman while the experience of a loving relationship is actually rendered superior by the corpse’s silent and compliant nature.

The benefits don’t end there! For example, while sex with a live human 15 year old girl would be considered statutory rape, ability to consent is not a concern with a taxidermied corpse. Age, therefore, would be a non-issue with the taxidermied corpse of a 15 year old girl. It would be impossible to impregnate her and what’s more: she wouldn’t ever age a day! Incels are often particularly interested in young, virginal women but are held back by current laws that are difficult to overturn thanks to overzealous SJWs and feminists who have very little concern for the plight of the modern incel. Furthermore, a common problem that perpetrators of mass shootings have is that they are often abusive toward their female partners and have trouble keeping the ones they do manage to attract. A taxidermied corpse is superior again to a live human woman as violence committed against the corpse would be victimless and the corpse itself would be unable to raise objection. A taxidermied corpse would also be unable to cheat or become unsatisfied in any way and leave the incel again dangerously without companionship.

As the superiority of sex and partnership with taxidermied corpses is clear, I therefore submit that our current surplus of young victims of mass shootings be taxidermied and offered to our growing population of incels as a means to restore order and prevent further unpredictable outbursts. The obvious benefits of my proposal cannot be denied. Offered the lifelong companionship of a perpetually youthful and compliant taxidermied corpse, today’s incel will be provided with a healthier and more fulfilling alternative to the expression of their pent up emotions than mass murder committed with readily available high powered weapons.

Parents will no longer have to worry that sending their children to school will result in impossibly high medical bills and/or funeral costs as their children’s bodies can simply be prepared by skilled taxidermists and sold at a modest price or given to frustrated incels. Teachers can go back to teaching and no longer worry about having to protect and shield vulnerable students from bullets that could render them handicapped or dead. Every teenage corpse would be a blessing as it would ultimately be converted into exactly what every incel wants and demands: an endlessly compliant vessel for their sexual satisfaction.

On the subject of financial benefits, I also must mention that my proposal would create a sudden spike in career opportunities for taxidermists. Men who were previously inspired to violence by economic anxiety would be able to retrain as taxidermists and keep busy preparing bodies for the good of their country. The successful stuffing and preservation of an entire human body can take quite some time and the nature of mass shootings frequently creates dozens of subjects at once. Think of all the jobs that could be created.

Now I know that some may say the sight of an incel wandering around town with a taxidermied teenager would be ridiculous or possibly disturbing to the populace but I submit that a populace willing and able to accept the daily normalcy of mass shootings would more than readily accept the normalcy of well-preserved teenage bodies being hauled around by men who were previously so lonely that they were unable to be productive members of society. In fact I would even go so far as to say that this is certainly a more reasonable and less disturbing solution than some suggestions given by the NYTimes Op Ed department which today’s American seems so willing to accept and consider. Therefore let there be no more concern wasted on the optics of this plan.

The benefits of my plan are clear and definitive. I submit that any other offered solutions such as redistributing live women, making high powered weapons unavailable to the public, removing doors from schools, sending husky boys and teams of children to tackle school shooters, widespread mental health checks be shelved until such a time as the person offering the solution does so with the means and sincere intent to carry through. I will accept no alternatives as none so far have addressed the gravity of the problem enough to progress beyond the theater of the immediate emotional aftermath of a mass shooting.

As of this writing, this can be the only possible solution to this problem as politicians and voters alike cannot for one moment be expected to agree that even a modicum of control over the readily available nature of high powered weapons is appropriate nor that women are human beings whose sexual lives should be of their own choosing. Since neither matter can possibly ever be agreed upon, we are left with no alternative but to stuff the corpses of hundreds of fallen teenagers and offer them up for sexual congress with frustrated, heavily armed men.

Let me assure you that I offer this proposal only as a matter of interest in the welfare of my fellow countrymen as I myself am a fat lesbian whose body and temperament would only frustrate incels even further and my children being high quality boys do not find themselves in need of accommodations of their own.

Heather McNamara