by Heather McNamara
Scroll against a black background glittering with space stars.
THE LAST JEDI
It is outer space pride month and preparations for the rebel alliance pride parade are well underway. General Leia has gathered the rebel alliance fleet to decorate them in rainbows and make them look their best.
Unfortunately the Empire permit department led by General Hux, an ex-gay, is blocking the rebel alliance’s permit application for use of the really cool looking salt planet Crait which would totally complement their rainbow aesthetic.
Rey has flown to the outer reaches of the galaxy to meet Luke Skywalker. Once a great and powerful Jedi, Luke exiled himself so he could have an epic mantrum when he didn’t get his way with Kylo Ren. Nonetheless, he may hold the key to the knowledge Rey needs to wipe out homophobia and transphobia forever.
Meanwhile, General Leia has sent her most handsome gay male pilot in hopes that General Hux can be persuaded to change his mind. . . .
[Space star destroyer thing floats on one side of an invisible divide, the rebel alliance on the other. Poe is in an X-wing at the front of the rebel alliance. Rose’s sister is in a large cargo ship with a flashing rainbow marquee along the side that reads ‘DOWN WITH THE EMPIRE’]
INT space star destroyer thing
Ensign
Sir, we have asked the pilot and his glitter crew to leave several times. They refuse to comply.
Hux
Enough of this! Open a channel
Ensign
Channel opened, sir.
Hux
Pilot!
Poe
My name is Poe. Let us dispense with formalities, homo to homo
Hux
Enough of your nonsense. I am straight now. And you may not have a permit for your silly little parade
Poe
Then we shall never leave!
Hux
You WILL leave. You do not have a permit for this little protest of yours either which means we have the right to shoot you with our powerful laser things until you are all dead!
Poe
Hah! You think you can aim your powerful laser things at me when I, the best pilot in space, can outmaneuver you? You are out of your mind!
Leia (over communicator)
Poe! Get back here right now! You don’t know what you’re doing!
Poe (into communicator)
No, I’ve got this!
[Poe flies around the space star thing in confusing loops and swirls. It is very impressive.]
Hux
Ensign! Fire upon one of their slower vessels.
Rose’s sister
Oh, shit
[laser things fire. Rose’s sister’s ship is destroyed in a spectacular explosion]
Poe
DAMMIT
Hux
Give up now.
Poe
NEVER
Leia (over communicator)
Poe I swear to god
Poe (into communicator)
Enough, woman!
[Poe flies circles around the destroyer in full view of Hux. He is pulling some seriously sweet maneuvers. Hux nods to assistant person who fires upon several remaining cargo ships, reducing them to flames and glitter]
Poe
DAMN YOU
Hux
You are next if you do not leave
Poe
Fine, I’ll see you on grindr-
Hux
ENSIGN CLOSE CONNECTION!
[ensign eyebrows, then closes connection]
INT A hangar where space vehicles are kept. It is sterile and empty, clearly very well maintained. A woman in a space vehicle maintenance suit can be heard weeping as Finn enters. Finn is shaking his head and staring at his feet when he notices the sound of crying. He thought he was alone.
Finn
Hello? Who’s there?
Rose
OmyGOD fuck off
Finn
Okay, sorry.
Rose
No, wait. Wait. I’m sorry. I’m just having a really bad day. My sister got killed because of that cocky showboating bastard, Poe. My wife Rey is a million light years away and all I have is this little blinking beacon to guide her home. We don’t have iPhones or anything in space, apparently.
Finn
I’m sorry
Rose
You look like you’re having a pretty bad day, too. What’s up?
Finn
My husband is a cocky showboating bastard who got everyone killed. I’m not speaking to him.
Rose
Oh jesus Poe is your husband? Christ, I’m sorry. What must it be like to live with him?
Finn
Irritating on a good day. Unbearable today.
Rose
That sucks, man.
Finn
Look at you, sympathizing with me when your sister just died. I can’t imagine how you must feel.
Rose
Don’t be ridiculous. I know you’ve been through worse. I know how the empire “recruits.” They take children of galactic immigrants away from their parents and keep them in concentration camps. Then they “lose track” of the children and the next thing you know, they’re storm troopers!
Finn
It was a traumatic experience.
Rose
The empire is an evil that absolutely must be vanquished.
[they sigh together]
Finn
I wish we could do more.
Rose
Fuck it. Wanna go to casino planet and get wasted?
Finn
Shit yes.
[Finn and Rose get onto a spaceship and fly out to the casino system to get drunk off their asses and play some poker]
INT Gigantic Rebel Spaceship bridge. Leia is holding hands with Holdo. Poe stands before them, head hanging. Several others are gathered around, watching.
Leia
(shaking her head) Poe, I don’t even know where to begin here. I mean what were you thinking?
Poe
I was (sniffles) I was thinking that my sweet moves would distract him?
Leia
And why did you disobey your general?
Poe
Because (sniffles) you’re a woman and I figured I probably know better than you?
Leia
(sighs heavily) First of all, Poe, we’ve been over this. We allowed you in even though you’re a cis guy because Finn promised us that you could learn to be less of a shitlord but you can’t even get my gender right.
Poe
Oh! Uh right sorry I mean agender.
Leia
You need to try harder than this!
Poe
I’m sorry.
Leia
Now, I’m going to be taking some time off to get gender confirmation surgery and I’m leaving my wife Holdo in charge.
Poe
Holdo? But they have purple hair!
Holdo
Um, “she” please. I’m a woman.
Poe
But you’re trans!
[somebody in the crowd grabs their laser gun and has to be held back by another]
Holdo
(to Leia) Can we just blow him out an airlock?
Leia
(rubbing temples) God I wish. But no. We promised Finn we’d try. Poe, I expect you to respect my wife while I’m out and actually follow her orders. I can’t have you getting anyone else killed!
Poe
(head hanging) Yes, general.
INT Space Star Destroyer. Large completely empty room. The room serves absolutely no purpose other than to house a chair for Snoke. Hux and Kylo Ren kneel at Snoke’s feet.
Snoke
Well done destroying Rose’s sister, Hux. I feel you are coming along well as a general.
Kylo Ren
(snorts) You probably don’t want his face that close to your dick though if you know what I mean
Hux
Shut up, virgin!
Snoke
Yes, virgin, shut up. I spared no expense sending Hux to the absolute best conversion camp in the galaxy and I am assured – STOP LAUGHING, KYLO – I am ASSURED that he is no longer gay.
Hux
That’s right.
Snoke
Now YOU on the other hand, Kylo.
Hux
(under his breath) virgin fag
Kylo Ren
HEY. Leave me alone. I may be a virgin, but I’ve got hella plans to get Rey in the sack.
Hux
She’s a lesbian, you idiot.
Snoke
You of all people should know that there are no lesbians once a real Chad is in the room.
Kylo Ren
I’m a real Chad!
Snoke
Nonsense. Your grandfather, Vader. Now THERE was a Chad. You, my son, are no Chad.
Kylo Ren
AM SO! It’s just hard to get anywhere close to her when you keep denying her permits and stuff.
Snoke
Fine. I’ll give them their permits.
Hux
HEY
Snoke
Shush. They can have their permits. And they can have their stupid parade. And on the same day, we will have a much bigger, BETTER parade. A STRAIGHT pride parade! In the same place and at the same time! They’ll look ridiculous. And if you’re a real chad, Kylo, then Rey will come to our parade instead of theirs.
Kylo
Done!
Hux
Hah! You can’t even NEG.
Snoke
Shush, both of you! Hux, send the permit approval to the rebel alliance. Yes. Yes, this will be excellent.
EXT remote island in the middle of an ocean. Luke is pacing around having a MANTRUM. Rey sits on a rock and reads Jedi books.
Luke
And it’s like… why does LEIA get to be in charge of everything, you know? Like, I’m obviously better equipped here.
Rey
(ignoring him) mm-hmm (turns page)
Luke
And their Stuuuuuupid son. Omigod have you met that guy? He’s like… obsessed with being a “Chad.” What even is a “Chad?” He needs to stay off those galactic message boards. You think you raise a kid right but all he does is complain that women won’t sleep with him because of “Chads” and then he goes and joins the fucking empire?!
Rey
(ignoring him) mm-hmm
Luke
So obviously I can’t go back. Leia had this huge fit just cause I tried to kill their loser ass son and now they won’t let me be in charge of ANYTHING and like I’M supposed to take orders? Do you know how humiliating that is to me? I’m a LEGEND, dammit!
Rey
(rolls eyes) I think I’ll continue my reading in my cabin
Luke
FINE! (Luke resumes kicking rocks and ranting)
INT room built of rocks on the island, like a hotel room, only no electricity. Rey is reading. Suddenly, Rey looks up and sees Kylo Ren. He is shirtless and he looks like a giant naked rectangle.
Rey
(jumps up in surprise) Holy shit what is this
Kylo Ren
M’lady.
Rey
Get dressed!
Kylo Ren
When I’m good and ready. I see you’re getting better at using the force! Although I would’ve been better at controlling a communication like this.
Rey
Are you… are you trying to neg me?
Kylo Ren
(shuffles uncomfortably) Baby if I were trying to neg you… you… you wouldn’t….
Rey
How do I turn this off?
Kylo Ren
Oh you mean you haven’t learned that yet? Shame. You know, I could show you a thing or two.
Rey
Why don’t you show me how well you can fuck off?
Kylo Ren
Tsk, tsk, m’lady. A little civility would go a long way, you know. Just because we have different opinions about how a galaxy should be run doesn’t mean we can’t get along.
Rey
Your lot has set up concentration camps for toddlers!
Kylo Ren
Nonetheless. Anyway, I came to invite you to the straight pride parade the empire is holding
Rey
The what? Ew!
Kylo Ren
Hah. So much for the “tolerant” Rebel Alliance. Anyway, be my date?
Rey
Not on your life
Kylo Ren
You’ll change your mind, m’lady. In due time. Laters.
Rey
Ugh.
[Kylo Ren vanishes]
INT Rebel Spaceship Bridge. Haldo is sitting in the captain’s chair and she is rubbing her temples with her fingers
Poe
Look, I’m just saying that Leia already got to be grand marshal once and when was the last time you had a cis gay man as grand marshal? I think you’re sexist against men.
Holdo
Explain to me why we should have you as a grand marshal after you went showboating around and got Rose’s sister killed. Huh? Leia has led many successful battles for the alliance and all you’ve done is embarrass yourself.
Poe
Excuse me! I am the best pilot in the rebel alliance and you guys haven’t honored me at any parades yet.
Holdo
Try running a mission where everyone doesn’t get killed, Poe.
Poe
Fuck this I’m going to mutiny.
Holdo
(rolls eyes) Go to your quarters, Poe.
Poe
MUTINY TIME! WHO IS WITH ME?
[the crew pretends not to hear him]
Holdo
Why don’t you go back to your quarters and have a nice little chat with Finn? I’m sure he could use some nice quiet time with you.
Poe
Well, Finn is… Finn… He…
Holdo
What is it?
Poe
Finn left me to go to a casino planet and party with Rose because he needed a break from me! (Poe starts crying)
Holdo
Ohh. That’s rough.
Poe
He said that I was callous and self-absorbed!
Holdo
Well…
Poe
You agree with him don’t you?
[the crew starts working very loudly so as to drown out the sounds of Poe’s weeping]
Holdo
Look, maybe you guys just need some couples counseling.
Poe
(now outright sobbing) maybe so. Everyone thinks I’m just some arrogant asshole. I am the best pilot, though, I am! But I don’t want to lose my husband.
Holdo
This could be the wakeup call you need.
Poe
(nods, weeping) Maybe.
INT space star destroyer, cargo bay. A number of spaceships are being decorated in gray and white stripes. Hux dances around the various spaceships and offers tips. Kylo Ren approaches hesitantly.
Hux
Yes, that one shall be the best of them all! No color! Remember, color is for the queers. They’re going to look ridiculous next to our austere aesthetic! Now. How is our “gays are a genetic dead end” float coming along? I want it to look at least as good as our “there are only two genders, get over it!” float.
Kylo Ren
Hey um… could I talk to you a minute?
Hux
Not going so well with your (sing-song voice) girrrlfriend?
Kylo Ren
It’s going great, actually
Hux
You tried negging her, didn’t you?
Kylo Ren
If I had tried negging her… I would’ve… She…
Hux
(rolls eyes) Have you tried giving her what she wants?
Kylo Ren
Like what?
Hux
I dunno. What do girls like? Makeup?
Kylo Ren
Nah, she’s more of a Becky than a Stacy
Hux
What does that even mean?
Kylo Ren
I mean… I think she likes books.
Hux
So buy her books then, I don’t know. Jeez. Now leave me alone. I’ve got floats to decorate.
Kylo Ren
Yes. Yes… okay. Got it. By the way, your One Man One Woman float looks like you kissing Snoke. Was that on purpose?
Hux
GET OUT
EXT distant island on ocean planet. Luke is still having a MANTRUM. Rey is holding a book in one hand and practicing force-lifting rocks with the other.
Luke
And have you ever spent time around Han? Like real time. I mean I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but back when Leia and Han were a thing it was fucking unbearable. He would be all “ooh I converted her from lesbianism” and we would be like “uh excuse me, it’s ‘they’ and ‘they’ are ‘pansexual’” and Leia would just giggle cause they were soooooo in love and it’s like… um excuse me? If Han were anyone else you would be sticking your lightsaber right through him!
Rey
Mmhmm (lifts a massive rock with her eyes)
Luke
I mean who just abandons all of their principles to let one cishet dude stick around and then make an unbearable son together? And I had to teach that little shit.
Rey
Mmhmm (replaces the massive rock, checks her book again)
Luke
Nobody’s perfect, sure, but I still felt like with all of that I should have been in charge. But oh nooooo they still wanted Leia. I’m going to go milk one of those things. You want some?
Rey
Wow no.
Luke
Suit yourself. (wanders off)
Kylo Ren (force portal)
M’lady
Rey
Oh God Dammit. I’m busy!
Kylo Ren
Settle down, m’lady. No need for hysterics. I come bearing gifts.
Rey
If it’s another dick pic, I swear to god I will force murder you somehow.
Kylo Ren
That um… I had followed some bad advice. Er. No. It’s not a dick pic. You’re definitely going to want to see this.
Rey
I definitely do not want to see your dick
Kylo Ren
I SAID IT IS NOT MY DICK! M’lady you really are trying this gentleman’s patience. (takes a deep breath) It is books.
Rey
I can get my own books, thanks.
Kylo Ren
Not like this. You see, Luke thinks he has all the Jedi books on the island, but actually I managed to smuggle some off. See? I have them right here. (gestures to a box)
Rey
How do I know you’ve really got Jedi books in there?
Kylo Ren
Well, you can either come here and find out or you can stay on the island with my uncle over there.
Rey
(thinks for a minute) Fine. Give me your address.
INT Rebel Space Base medical bay. Leia lays down under some covers. Holdo is at their side.
Leia
How have things been going?
Holdo
Well, Poe is seeking some counseling now. I recommended a good one. We’ll see how it goes
Leia
Good, good.
Holdo
How do you like your new dick?
Leia
It’s awesome. Can’t wait to… well, you know (winks)
Holdo
(giggles) oooh. Me either! (thinks for a moment) Actually, there is something you should know. And you’re not going to like it.
Leia
Oh dear. Better tell me.
Holdo
Well, we got the permit approved for the pride parade.
Leia
But that’s good news!
Holdo
Well, that’s not all. Snoke is throwing a straight pride parade at the same time on the same day.
Leia
Oh you’ve got to be fucking…
Holdo
They’ve got a One Man One Woman float. My sources tell me it looks suspiciously like Hux kissing Snoke, but…
Leia
Oh my god that twink is designing it? I’ve seen it all.
Holdo
What should we do?
Leia
I’m going to have to confront Snoke…
Holdo
It’s risky. Remember what happened last time?
Leia
There’s no other way.
EXT Space star destroyer. The Millennium Falcon with Rey in it lands on a quiet landing pad. Kylo Ren waits for her.
Kylo Ren
M’lady
Rey
God could you stop saying that?
Kylo Ren
What, you modern women don’t like to be addressed in such a proper manner by a chivalrous man such as mine self? The world is going to hell I say.
Rey
Can I have the books please?
Kylo Ren
Right this way, madame.
[It’s an ambush! Weird looking storm troopers in red costumes come out of nowhere and seize Rey, removing her rainbow bracelets and anklets]
Rey
NO! What are you doing? What have you done?
Kylo Ren
You will be my girlfriend now. And you will be my date for the straight pride parade.
Rey
Nooooooo!!!!
Kylo Ren
Yes!
[Rey is dragged away kicking and screaming]
INT Casino. Rose and Finn sit at a poker table looking bored.
Finn
Maybe we should go home.
Rose
Are you sure you are ready to stand up to Poe?
Finn
Oh I’m ready all right. That no account, arrogant bastard is not going to walk all over me anymore!
Rose
That’s my boy!
Finn
Rey might be home soon
Rose
(wipes away a tear and gazes at her blinking beacon) I hope so. She and I are supposed to sit on a float together. I miss her.
Finn
It’s time to go.
Rose
You’re right. We’ve had our fun. They need us back at the rebel base. Hey, let’s pass out some RESIST bumper stickers on our way out.
Finn
Good idea! It might make us a little late, but I think we’ll be back JUST in time for the parade!
Rose
Let’s go!
EXT Cool looking salt planet Crait. Some jackass is licking the ground for some reason even though everyone has already been debriefed about the presence of salt. On one side, a caravan of floats festooned with rainbows lines up and gets ready to march. On the other, a caravan of gray and white floats stands by. One of them looks like a giant Hux kissing a giant Snoke. It reads One Man One Woman. Everyone is confused. In the middle of it all, Leia marches out. Snoke rides his hoveround to meet her.
Leia
Snoke, cancel your straight pride parade
Snoke
Woman, I will not.
Leia
Snoke, we’ve been over this. I’m not a woman. I’m agender.
Snoke
Over my dead body will I start using “they” as though it were a singular pronoun
Leia
“They” has been used as a singular pronoun for hundreds of years!
Snoke
Nonsense! I am so sick of you rebels and your politically correct nonsense. They is a plural pronoun and I will fight you to the ends of the galaxy about it.
[cont – back at the rebel side of the field, Rose and Finn appear. Holdo sits at the head of the parade next to Leia’s empty grand marshal seat]
Rose
Holdo! Hey girl. You seen my wife?
Holdo
Actually, now that you mention it, I haven’t. I’m sorry. I’ve been so overwhelmed with Poe and now Leia is arguing with Snoke about pronouns again. Last time, this went on for three months. Three months!
Rose
Oh, I remember. (checks blinking bracelet) That’s weird. It says she’s right here –
Finn
Oh no. (points into the distance)
Rose
(looks up) OH NO
[Across the field, Kylo Ren and Rey take their places on the grand marshal float of the straight pride parade. Rey looks thoroughly miserable but is being held in place by a combination of Kylo Ren and Snoke’s commands of the force.]
Kylo Ren
(takes a microphone) I am proud to announce the first annual Empire Straight Pride Parade. Here together with my beautiful girlfriend who is totally having sex with me every night, I will be your grand marshal!
Hux
Hooray for heterosexuality!
[empire cheers]
Rose
Oh hell no (marches toward the straight pride floats)
Leia
It doesn’t matter if the common usage of ‘they’ is plural! The original etymology clearly indicates its use as a singular pronoun as well
Snoke
But that was decades ago! Language grows and changes! It is no longer a common usage of the word!
Leia
Then it can grow and change again!
[Rose approaches, shoots Snoke in the head. He falls dead.]
Leia
Uh whoa
Hux
No! My Snokey-poo! Noooooo!!!!!! (runs away crying)
Kylo Ren
(to Rey) Come my love, let’s get out of here.
Rey
(to Kylo Ren) Not on your pathetic virgin life! (to Rose) HONEY! HELP! COME GET ME!
[Rose fires on Kylo Ren. The laser grazes him Kylo Ren runs away, leaving Rey behind]
Rey
BABY!
Rose
I LOVE YOU!
[They reunite and kiss. Fade to black]
EXT distant island on an ocean planet. The island is teeming with the rainbow pride floats. Luke mopes on a cliffside. The grand marshal float is obscured by some waves. Poe takes his place on a podium. Finn holds his hand. Poe grabs a microphone to address the crowd
Poe
Greetings and welcome to the 200th annual Rebel Alliance pride parade!
[the crowd goes wild]
Poe
As many of you know, I have had some difficulty as a new member of the rebel alliance understanding that my cisgender male privilege has been a huge factor in my belief that I am or was the best pilot in the whole galaxy. I have since gone to counseling and I understand now that when I think I’m superior to all the women or nonbinary people around me, it is because I have been horribly brainwashed by a patriarchy that is designed to elevate me even when I am mediocre and to convince women and nonbinary people that they are somehow less skilled and less qualified than I am no matter what the truth may be. I thank Admiral Holdo and General Leia for their patience as I learned and grew. To Holdo and Leia! (raises a glass) And I would especially like to thank my husband, Finn, who brought me around to the rebel alliance where I could have the space and education I needed to learn and grow not only into a better queer but also a better husband and ally to all! To Finn! (raises glass) Finally, I’m proud to present your 200th grand marshal, ROSE!!!!
[A band starts playing. Rose and Rey emerge on the grand marshal float. The crowd cheers “Snoke is dead! Snoke is dead! Long live Rose! The best Star Wars character ever written!]
[cont – clifside. Leia approaches Luke]
Leia
Brother, I’ve missed you.
Luke
I’ve missed you too, sibling. I’m afraid that this will be my last pride parade.
Leia
What? Luke, why?
Luke
Well, I used up all the force I had in me during that epic mantrum that went on for years and years. It’s tragic, isn’t it?
Leia
Well, you could’ve just not –
Luke
It’s TRAGIC. Goodbye, sibling. May the force be ever in your favor.
Leia
Goodbye, Brother.
[Luke vanishes]
*end credits*
■
