Queer Wars: Episode VIII (Special Pride Edition)

by Heather McNamara

Scroll against a black background glittering with space stars.

 

THE LAST JEDI

It is outer space pride month and preparations for the rebel alliance pride parade are well underway. General Leia has gathered the rebel alliance fleet to decorate them in rainbows and make them look their best.

Unfortunately the Empire permit department led by General Hux, an ex-gay, is blocking the rebel alliance’s permit application for use of the really cool looking salt planet Crait which would totally complement their rainbow aesthetic.

Rey has flown to the outer reaches of the galaxy to meet Luke Skywalker. Once a great and powerful Jedi, Luke exiled himself so he could have an epic mantrum when he didn’t get his way with Kylo Ren. Nonetheless, he may hold the key to the knowledge Rey needs to wipe out homophobia and transphobia forever.

Meanwhile, General Leia has sent her most handsome gay male pilot in hopes that General Hux can be persuaded to change his mind. . . .


[Space star destroyer thing floats on one side of an invisible divide, the rebel alliance on the other. Poe is in an X-wing at the front of the rebel alliance. Rose’s sister is in a large cargo ship with a flashing rainbow marquee along the side that reads ‘DOWN WITH THE EMPIRE’]

INT space star destroyer thing

 

Ensign

Sir, we have asked the pilot and his glitter crew to leave several times. They refuse to comply.

 

Hux

Enough of this! Open a channel

 

Ensign

Channel opened, sir.

 

Hux

Pilot!

 

Poe

My name is Poe. Let us dispense with formalities, homo to homo

 

Hux

Enough of your nonsense. I am straight now. And you may not have a permit for your silly little parade

 

Poe

Then we shall never leave!

 

Hux

You WILL leave. You do not have a permit for this little protest of yours either which means we have the right to shoot you with our powerful laser things until you are all dead!

 

Poe

Hah! You think you can aim your powerful laser things at me when I, the best pilot in space, can outmaneuver you? You are out of your mind!

 

Leia (over communicator)

Poe! Get back here right now! You don’t know what you’re doing!

 

Poe (into communicator)

No, I’ve got this!

 

[Poe flies around the space star thing in confusing loops and swirls. It is very impressive.]

 

Hux

Ensign! Fire upon one of their slower vessels.

 

Rose’s sister

Oh, shit

 

[laser things fire. Rose’s sister’s ship is destroyed in a spectacular explosion]

 

Poe

DAMMIT

 

Hux

Give up now.

 

Poe

NEVER

 

Leia (over communicator)

Poe I swear to god

 

Poe (into communicator)

Enough, woman!

 

[Poe flies circles around the destroyer in full view of Hux. He is pulling some seriously sweet maneuvers. Hux nods to assistant person who fires upon several remaining cargo ships, reducing them to flames and glitter]

 

Poe

DAMN YOU

 

Hux

You are next if you do not leave

 

Poe

Fine, I’ll see you on grindr-

 

Hux

ENSIGN CLOSE CONNECTION!

 

[ensign eyebrows, then closes connection]

 

INT A hangar where space vehicles are kept. It is sterile and empty, clearly very well maintained. A woman in a space vehicle maintenance suit can be heard weeping as Finn enters. Finn is shaking his head and staring at his feet when he notices the sound of crying. He thought he was alone.

 

Finn

Hello? Who’s there?

 

Rose

OmyGOD fuck off

 

Finn

Okay, sorry.

 

Rose

No, wait. Wait. I’m sorry. I’m just having a really bad day. My sister got killed because of that cocky showboating bastard, Poe. My wife Rey is a million light years away and all I have is this little blinking beacon to guide her home. We don’t have iPhones or anything in space, apparently.

 

Finn

I’m sorry

 

Rose

You look like you’re having a pretty bad day, too. What’s up?

 

Finn

My husband is a cocky showboating bastard who got everyone killed. I’m not speaking to him.

 

Rose

Oh jesus Poe is your husband? Christ, I’m sorry. What must it be like to live with him?

 

Finn

Irritating on a good day. Unbearable today.

 

Rose

That sucks, man.

 

Finn

Look at you, sympathizing with me when your sister just died. I can’t imagine how you must feel.

Rose

Don’t be ridiculous. I know you’ve been through worse. I know how the empire “recruits.” They take children of galactic immigrants away from their parents and keep them in concentration camps. Then they “lose track” of the children and the next thing you know, they’re storm troopers!

 

Finn

It was a traumatic experience.

 

Rose

The empire is an evil that absolutely must be vanquished.

 

[they sigh together]

 

Finn

I wish we could do more.

 

Rose

Fuck it. Wanna go to casino planet and get wasted?

 

Finn

Shit yes.

 

[Finn and Rose get onto a spaceship and fly out to the casino system to get drunk off their asses and play some poker]

 

INT Gigantic Rebel Spaceship bridge. Leia is holding hands with Holdo. Poe stands before them, head hanging. Several others are gathered around, watching.

 

Leia

(shaking her head) Poe, I don’t even know where to begin here. I mean what were you thinking?

 

Poe

I was (sniffles) I was thinking that my sweet moves would distract him?

 

Leia

And why did you disobey your general?

 

Poe

Because (sniffles) you’re a woman and I figured I probably know better than you?

 

Leia

(sighs heavily) First of all, Poe, we’ve been over this. We allowed you in even though you’re a cis guy because Finn promised us that you could learn to be less of a shitlord but you can’t even get my gender right.

 

Poe

Oh! Uh right sorry I mean agender.

 

Leia

You need to try harder than this!

 

Poe

I’m sorry.

 

Leia

Now, I’m going to be taking some time off to get gender confirmation surgery and I’m leaving my wife Holdo in charge.

 

Poe

Holdo? But they have purple hair!

 

Holdo

Um, “she” please. I’m a woman.

 

Poe

But you’re trans!

 

[somebody in the crowd grabs their laser gun and has to be held back by another]

 

Holdo

(to Leia) Can we just blow him out an airlock?

 

Leia

(rubbing temples) God I wish. But no. We promised Finn we’d try. Poe, I expect you to respect my wife while I’m out and actually follow her orders. I can’t have you getting anyone else killed!

 

Poe

(head hanging) Yes, general.

 

INT Space Star Destroyer. Large completely empty room. The room serves absolutely no purpose other than to house a chair for Snoke. Hux and Kylo Ren kneel at Snoke’s feet.

 

Snoke

Well done destroying Rose’s sister, Hux. I feel you are coming along well as a general.

 

Kylo Ren

(snorts) You probably don’t want his face that close to your dick though if you know what I mean

 

Hux

Shut up, virgin!

 

Snoke

Yes, virgin, shut up. I spared no expense sending Hux to the absolute best conversion camp in the galaxy and I am assured – STOP LAUGHING, KYLO – I am ASSURED that he is no longer gay.

 

Hux

That’s right.

 

Snoke

Now YOU on the other hand, Kylo.

 

Hux

(under his breath) virgin fag

 

Kylo Ren

HEY. Leave me alone. I may be a virgin, but I’ve got hella plans to get Rey in the sack.

 

Hux

She’s a lesbian, you idiot.

 

Snoke

You of all people should know that there are no lesbians once a real Chad is in the room.

 

Kylo Ren

I’m a real Chad!

 

Snoke

Nonsense. Your grandfather, Vader. Now THERE was a Chad. You, my son, are no Chad.

 

Kylo Ren

AM SO! It’s just hard to get anywhere close to her when you keep denying her permits and stuff.

 

Snoke

Fine. I’ll give them their permits.

 

Hux

HEY

 

Snoke

Shush. They can have their permits. And they can have their stupid parade. And on the same day, we will have a much bigger, BETTER parade. A STRAIGHT pride parade! In the same place and at the same time! They’ll look ridiculous. And if you’re a real chad, Kylo, then Rey will come to our parade instead of theirs.

 

Kylo

Done!

 

Hux

Hah! You can’t even NEG.

 

Snoke

Shush, both of you! Hux, send the permit approval to the rebel alliance. Yes. Yes, this will be excellent.

 

EXT remote island in the middle of an ocean. Luke is pacing around having a MANTRUM. Rey sits on a rock and reads Jedi books.

 

Luke

And it’s like… why does LEIA get to be in charge of everything, you know? Like, I’m obviously better equipped here.

 

Rey

(ignoring him) mm-hmm (turns page)

 

Luke

And their Stuuuuuupid son. Omigod have you met that guy? He’s like… obsessed with being a “Chad.” What even is a “Chad?”  He needs to stay off those galactic message boards. You think you raise a kid right but all he does is complain that women won’t sleep with him because of “Chads” and then he goes and joins the fucking empire?!

 

Rey

(ignoring him) mm-hmm

 

Luke

So obviously I can’t go back. Leia had this huge fit just cause I tried to kill their loser ass son and now they won’t let me be in charge of ANYTHING and like I’M supposed to take orders? Do you know how humiliating that is to me? I’m a LEGEND, dammit!

 

Rey

(rolls eyes) I think I’ll continue my reading in my cabin

 

Luke

FINE! (Luke resumes kicking rocks and ranting)

 

INT room built of rocks on the island, like a hotel room, only no electricity. Rey is reading. Suddenly, Rey looks up and sees Kylo Ren. He is shirtless and he looks like a giant naked rectangle.

 

Rey

(jumps up in surprise) Holy shit what is this

 

Kylo Ren

M’lady.

 

Rey

Get dressed!

 

Kylo Ren

When I’m good and ready. I see you’re getting better at using the force! Although I would’ve been better at controlling a communication like this.

 

Rey

Are you… are you trying to neg me?

 

Kylo Ren

(shuffles uncomfortably) Baby if I were trying to neg you… you… you wouldn’t….

 

Rey

How do I turn this off?

 

Kylo Ren

Oh you mean you haven’t learned that yet? Shame. You know, I could show you a thing or two.

 

Rey

Why don’t you show me how well you can fuck off?

 

Kylo Ren

Tsk, tsk, m’lady. A little civility would go a long way, you know. Just because we have different opinions about how a galaxy should be run doesn’t mean we can’t get along.

 

Rey

Your lot has set up concentration camps for toddlers!

 

Kylo Ren

Nonetheless. Anyway, I came to invite you to the straight pride parade the empire is holding

 

Rey

The what? Ew!

 

Kylo Ren

Hah. So much for the “tolerant” Rebel Alliance. Anyway, be my date?

 

Rey

Not on your life

 

Kylo Ren

You’ll change your mind, m’lady. In due time. Laters.

 

Rey

Ugh.

 

[Kylo Ren vanishes]

 

INT Rebel Spaceship Bridge. Haldo is sitting in the captain’s chair and she is rubbing her temples with her fingers

 

Poe

Look, I’m just saying that Leia already got to be grand marshal once and when was the last time you had a cis gay man as grand marshal? I think you’re sexist against men.

 

Holdo

Explain to me why we should have you as a grand marshal after you went showboating around and got Rose’s sister killed. Huh?  Leia has led many successful battles for the alliance and all you’ve done is embarrass yourself.

 

Poe

Excuse me! I am the best pilot in the rebel alliance and you guys haven’t honored me at any parades yet.

 

Holdo

Try running a mission where everyone doesn’t get killed, Poe.

 

Poe

Fuck this I’m going to mutiny.

 

Holdo

(rolls eyes) Go to your quarters, Poe.

 

Poe

MUTINY TIME! WHO IS WITH ME?

 

[the crew pretends not to hear him]

 

Holdo

Why don’t you go back to your quarters and have a nice little chat with Finn? I’m sure he could use some nice quiet time with you.

 

Poe

Well, Finn is… Finn… He…

 

Holdo

What is it?

 

Poe

Finn left me to go to a casino planet and party with Rose because he needed a break from me! (Poe starts crying)

 

Holdo

Ohh. That’s rough.

 

Poe

He said that I was callous and self-absorbed!

 

Holdo

Well…

 

Poe

You agree with him don’t you?

 

[the crew starts working very loudly so as to drown out the sounds of Poe’s weeping]

 

Holdo

Look, maybe you guys just need some couples counseling.

 

Poe

(now outright sobbing) maybe so. Everyone thinks I’m just some arrogant asshole. I am the best pilot, though, I am! But I don’t want to lose my husband.

 

Holdo

This could be the wakeup call you need.

 

Poe

(nods, weeping) Maybe.

 

INT space star destroyer, cargo bay. A number of spaceships are being decorated in gray and white stripes. Hux dances around the various spaceships and offers tips. Kylo Ren approaches hesitantly.

 

Hux

Yes, that one shall be the best of them all! No color! Remember, color is for the queers. They’re going to look ridiculous next to our austere aesthetic! Now. How is our “gays are a genetic dead end” float coming along? I want it to look at least as good as our “there are only two genders, get over it!” float.

 

Kylo Ren

Hey um… could I talk to you a minute?

 

Hux

Not going so well with your (sing-song voice) girrrlfriend?

 

Kylo Ren

It’s going great, actually

 

Hux

You tried negging her, didn’t you?

 

Kylo Ren

If I had tried negging her… I would’ve… She…

 

Hux

(rolls eyes) Have you tried giving her what she wants?

 

Kylo Ren

Like what?

 

Hux

I dunno. What do girls like? Makeup?

 

Kylo Ren

Nah, she’s more of a Becky than a Stacy

 

Hux

What does that even mean?

 

Kylo Ren

I mean… I think she likes books.

 

Hux

So buy her books then, I don’t know. Jeez. Now leave me alone. I’ve got floats to decorate.

 

Kylo Ren

Yes. Yes… okay. Got it. By the way, your One Man One Woman float looks like you kissing Snoke. Was that on purpose?

 

Hux

GET OUT

 

EXT distant island on ocean planet. Luke is still having a MANTRUM. Rey is holding a book in one hand and practicing force-lifting rocks with the other.

 

Luke

And have you ever spent time around Han? Like real time. I mean I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but back when Leia and Han were a thing it was fucking unbearable. He would be all “ooh I converted her from lesbianism” and we would be like “uh excuse me, it’s ‘they’ and ‘they’ are ‘pansexual’” and Leia would just giggle cause they were soooooo in love and it’s like… um excuse me? If Han were anyone else you would be sticking your lightsaber right through him!

 

Rey

Mmhmm (lifts a massive rock with her eyes)

Luke

I mean who just abandons all of their principles to let one cishet dude stick around and then make an unbearable son together? And I had to teach that little shit.

 

Rey

Mmhmm (replaces the massive rock, checks her book again)

 

Luke

Nobody’s perfect, sure, but I still felt like with all of that I should have been in charge. But oh nooooo they still wanted Leia. I’m going to go milk one of those things. You want some?

 

Rey

Wow no.

 

Luke

Suit yourself. (wanders off)

 

Kylo Ren (force portal)

M’lady

 

Rey

Oh God Dammit. I’m busy!

 

Kylo Ren

Settle down, m’lady. No need for hysterics. I come bearing gifts.

 

Rey

If it’s another dick pic, I swear to god I will force murder you somehow.

 

Kylo Ren

That um… I had followed some bad advice. Er. No. It’s not a dick pic. You’re definitely going to want to see this.

 

Rey

I definitely do not want to see your dick

 

Kylo Ren

I SAID IT IS NOT MY DICK! M’lady you really are trying this gentleman’s patience. (takes a deep breath) It is books.

 

Rey

I can get my own books, thanks.

 

Kylo Ren

Not like this. You see, Luke thinks he has all the Jedi books on the island, but actually I managed to smuggle some off. See? I have them right here. (gestures to a box)

 

Rey

How do I know you’ve really got Jedi books in there?

 

Kylo Ren

Well, you can either come here and find out or you can stay on the island with my uncle over there.

 

Rey

(thinks for a minute) Fine. Give me your address.

 

INT Rebel Space Base medical bay. Leia lays down under some covers. Holdo is at their side.

 

Leia

How have things been going?

 

Holdo

Well, Poe is seeking some counseling now. I recommended a good one. We’ll see how it goes

 

Leia

Good, good.

 

Holdo

How do you like your new dick?

 

Leia

It’s awesome. Can’t wait to… well, you know (winks)

 

Holdo

(giggles) oooh. Me either!  (thinks for a moment) Actually, there is something you should know. And you’re not going to like it.

 

Leia

Oh dear. Better tell me.

 

Holdo

Well, we got the permit approved for the pride parade.

 

Leia

But that’s good news!

 

Holdo

Well, that’s not all. Snoke is throwing a straight pride parade at the same time on the same day.

 

Leia

Oh you’ve got to be fucking…

 

Holdo

They’ve got a One Man One Woman float. My sources tell me it looks suspiciously like Hux kissing Snoke, but…

 

Leia

Oh my god that twink is designing it? I’ve seen it all.

 

Holdo

What should we do?

 

Leia

I’m going to have to confront Snoke…

 

Holdo

It’s risky. Remember what happened last time?

 

Leia

There’s no other way.

 

EXT Space star destroyer. The Millennium Falcon with Rey in it lands on a quiet landing pad. Kylo Ren waits for her.

 

Kylo Ren

M’lady

 

Rey

God could you stop saying that?

 

Kylo Ren

What, you modern women don’t like to be addressed in such a proper manner by a chivalrous man such as mine self? The world is going to hell I say.

 

Rey

Can I have the books please?

 

Kylo Ren

Right this way, madame.

 

[It’s an ambush! Weird looking storm troopers in red costumes come out of nowhere and seize Rey, removing her rainbow bracelets and anklets]

 

Rey

NO! What are you doing? What have you done?

 

Kylo Ren

You will be my girlfriend now. And you will be my date for the straight pride parade.

 

Rey

Nooooooo!!!!

 

Kylo Ren

Yes!

 

[Rey is dragged away kicking and screaming]

 

INT Casino. Rose and Finn sit at a poker table looking bored.

 

Finn

Maybe we should go home.

 

Rose

Are you sure you are ready to stand up to Poe?

 

Finn

Oh I’m ready all right. That no account, arrogant bastard is not going to walk all over me anymore!

 

Rose

That’s my boy!

 

Finn

Rey might be home soon

 

Rose

(wipes away a tear and gazes at her blinking beacon) I hope so. She and I are supposed to sit on a float together. I miss her.

 

Finn

It’s time to go.

 

Rose

You’re right. We’ve had our fun. They need us back at the rebel base. Hey, let’s pass out some RESIST bumper stickers on our way out.

 

Finn

Good idea! It might make us a little late, but I think we’ll be back JUST in time for the parade!

 

Rose

Let’s go!

 

EXT Cool looking salt planet Crait. Some jackass is licking the ground for some reason even though everyone has already been debriefed about the presence of salt. On one side, a caravan of floats festooned with rainbows lines up and gets ready to march. On the other, a caravan of gray and white floats stands by. One of them looks like a giant Hux kissing a giant Snoke. It reads One Man One Woman. Everyone is confused. In the middle of it all, Leia marches out. Snoke rides his hoveround to meet her.

 

Leia

Snoke, cancel your straight pride parade

 

Snoke

Woman, I will not.

 

Leia

Snoke, we’ve been over this. I’m not a woman. I’m agender.

 

Snoke

Over my dead body will I start using “they” as though it were a singular pronoun

 

Leia

“They” has been used as a singular pronoun for hundreds of years!

 

Snoke

Nonsense! I am so sick of you rebels and your politically correct nonsense. They is a plural pronoun and I will fight you to the ends of the galaxy about it.

 

[cont – back at the rebel side of the field, Rose and Finn appear. Holdo sits at the head of the parade next to Leia’s empty grand marshal seat]

 

Rose

Holdo! Hey girl. You seen my wife?

 

Holdo

Actually, now that you mention it, I haven’t. I’m sorry. I’ve been so overwhelmed with Poe and now Leia is arguing with Snoke about pronouns again. Last time, this went on for three months. Three months!

 

Rose

Oh, I remember. (checks blinking bracelet) That’s weird. It says she’s right here –

 

Finn

Oh no. (points into the distance)

 

Rose

(looks up) OH NO

 

[Across the field, Kylo Ren and Rey take their places on the grand marshal float of the straight pride parade. Rey looks thoroughly miserable but is being held in place by a combination of Kylo Ren and Snoke’s commands of the force.]

 

Kylo Ren

(takes a microphone) I am proud to announce the first annual Empire Straight Pride Parade. Here together with my beautiful girlfriend who is totally having sex with me every night, I will be your grand marshal!

 

Hux

Hooray for heterosexuality!

 

[empire cheers]

 

Rose

Oh hell no (marches toward the straight pride floats)

 

Leia

It doesn’t matter if the common usage of ‘they’ is plural! The original etymology clearly indicates its use as a singular pronoun as well

 

Snoke

But that was decades ago! Language grows and changes! It is no longer a common usage of the word!

 

Leia

Then it can grow and change again!

 

[Rose approaches, shoots Snoke in the head. He falls dead.]

 

Leia

Uh whoa

 

Hux

No! My Snokey-poo! Noooooo!!!!!!  (runs away crying)

 

Kylo Ren

(to Rey) Come my love, let’s get out of here.

 

Rey

(to Kylo Ren) Not on your pathetic virgin life! (to Rose) HONEY! HELP! COME GET ME!

 

[Rose fires on Kylo Ren. The laser grazes him Kylo Ren runs away, leaving Rey behind]

 

Rey

BABY!

 

Rose

I LOVE YOU!

 

[They reunite and kiss. Fade to black]

 

EXT distant island on an ocean planet. The island is teeming with the rainbow pride floats. Luke mopes on a cliffside. The grand marshal float is obscured by some waves. Poe takes his place on a podium. Finn holds his hand. Poe grabs a microphone to address the crowd

 

Poe

Greetings and welcome to the 200th annual Rebel Alliance pride parade!

 

[the crowd goes wild]

 

Poe

As many of you know, I have had some difficulty as a new member of the rebel alliance understanding that my cisgender male privilege has been a huge factor in my belief that I am or was the best pilot in the whole galaxy. I have since gone to counseling and I understand now that when I think I’m superior to all the women or nonbinary people around me, it is because I have been horribly brainwashed by a patriarchy that is designed to elevate me even when I am mediocre and to convince women and nonbinary people that they are somehow less skilled and less qualified than I am no matter what the truth may be. I thank Admiral Holdo and General Leia for their patience as I learned and grew. To Holdo and Leia! (raises a glass)  And I would especially like to thank my husband, Finn, who brought me around to the rebel alliance where I could have the space and education I needed to learn and grow not only into a better queer but also a better husband and ally to all! To Finn! (raises glass) Finally, I’m proud to present your 200th grand marshal, ROSE!!!!

 

[A band starts playing. Rose and Rey emerge on the grand marshal float. The crowd cheers “Snoke is dead! Snoke is dead! Long live Rose! The best Star Wars character ever written!]

 

[cont – clifside. Leia approaches Luke]

 

Leia

Brother, I’ve missed you.

 

Luke

I’ve missed you too, sibling. I’m afraid that this will be my last pride parade.

 

Leia

What? Luke, why?

 

Luke

Well, I used up all the force I had in me during that epic mantrum that went on for years and years. It’s tragic, isn’t it?

 

Leia

Well, you could’ve just not –

 

Luke

It’s TRAGIC. Goodbye, sibling. May the force be ever in your favor.

 

Leia

Goodbye, Brother.

 

[Luke vanishes]

 

*end credits*

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About Zinnia Jones

My work focuses on insights to be found across transgender healthcare, public health, psychiatry, and history of medicine, integrating these many perspectives and guided by the lived experiences of trans people. I live in Orlando with my family, and work mainly in technical writing.
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