A Modest Proposal
For Preventing Mass Shootings and Victims Thereof From Being a Burden to Their Parents and Country and For Making Them Beneficial to Incels.
by Heather McNamara
In these dark times, I think we can all agree that it is a modern tragedy to see so many straight American men who are unable to find women who will satisfy and settle down with them. These involuntarily celibate men or “incels” tragically do not possess the necessary skills and strength to attract women. Their frustration and aggression, often contributors to their pitiable situations, go unfocused and unchecked until finally they erupt, acquire AR-15s, and unload into classrooms, churches, and other crowds. It’s a senseless waste of energy and life.
In past generations, endless wars abroad would have required a steady influx of able-bodied men, ready to fight bloody on the front lines and die, but with the invention of drones and the relatively recent acceptance of women into all branches of the military, war is no longer an effective instrument for the mass culling of the strongest and most courageous sons of the United States. These men are now as they say “on the market,” freed from the drafts of the past to pursue educations, careers, and partnership with women. Lesser men who once would have been paired up with women who bemoaned their lack of options are now relegated to dark, sad corners of the internet where they craft theories about how they imagine women might behave.
But please, dear reader, rest assured that my proposal will help not only the incels, but everyone. Schools around the country are overwhelmed attempting to assure worried parents that their children will be safe in the next attack. Precious hours of education and teacher productivity are lost to practicing active shooter drills while school administrators attend meeting after meeting to draft assurances that security is under control.
As a long time scholar of gender dynamics, having given this a lot of thought and weighed the opinions of possibly the entire esteemed NYTimes Op-Ed department, I can assure you that my proposal is the only sure way to end the mayhem. Any alternative would only serve as a temporary band-aid or a haphazard deterrent, sure to fail. Moreover, I urge the reader to enact my proposal at their earliest possible chance. After all, as we enter the sixth month of 2018, we are already on our 143rd mass shooting of the year. 212 otherwise productive citizens have gone to waste thanks to the furious men whose celibacy-related anger had no other outlet short of mass murder following the acquisition of readily available high powered weapons. Continue reading →