“…I was a dispassionate observer of my own life. The person who went through the motions wasn’t the observer-me. Whenever the acting-me felt any emotions, the observer-me recognized the emotions but didn’t feel them herself.”
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Chronic depersonalization is a distressing dissociative condition characterized by feelings of “unreality” or “no self”, and it occurs at an elevated rate among trans people. Also known as depersonalization disorder or depersonalization-derealization syndrome, sufferers of this condition perceive themselves as emotionally distanced and separated from their experience of self and their perception of the world [1]. While their grasp of reality is intact, they perceive themselves as not truly feeling their own emotions, and have a sense that the world is flat, lifeless, or lacking in meaning or depth. Depersonalization disorder is chronic and unremitting; most individuals experience its onset in adolescence, while others report it being present since their childhood [2]. Studies have found that trans people are anywhere from 3 to 18 times more likely to experience this chronic syndrome compared to the general population [3], and depersonalization has been a theme of numerous personal accounts and memoirs of trans people for decades [4, 5]. Continue reading